A disastrously bad joke One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I want you make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. "Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark" ==================================================== The Bear and the Rabbit One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..." ======================== A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, what's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast." ================================= Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them : "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the English driver. "Quattro means four" replies Paddy. "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The English driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "my boss is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." ==================================== Heads or Tails The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, uttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers." ========================= A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn and she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ====================== A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have ... Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95 Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95 Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95 Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95 Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." ======================== This is some collected bullshit enjoy it: Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab 10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others. 9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK." 7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again." 6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!" 5. Deny the existence of chemicals. 4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it. 3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. 2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid 1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings. ======================= A Fifth Grade student has a penis so large, his parents warn him not to have anything to do with girls. They caution him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, the student runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "I killed her! I killed her!" All at once he stops dead in his tracks, a look of dawning comprehension appears on his face and he says, "Wait just a minute, I didn't kill her, she committed suicide!" ============== A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." ================ Last Rites A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life." ================= DEDICATED TO ALL MEN THAT LOVED THE "DUMB BLOND" JOKES: Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One; men will screw anything. Q. How does a man take a bubble bath? A. He eats beans for dinner. Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay? A. A half hour of begging. Q. How can you tell if a man's sexually aroused? A. He's breathing. Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds? A. Bonds mature. Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it's never happened. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. The good ones are always taken and the rest are handicapped. Q. What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? A. Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A. E.T. phones home. Q. What do you call a man with 1/2 a brain? A. Gifted. Q. Do you know why bankers make good lovers? A. They know the penalty for early withdrawal. Q. Why are men like laxatives? A. They can irritate the shit out of you. Q. Why do men name their penises? A. They want to be on a first name basis with the one that makes all the decisions. Q. What is gross stupidity? A. 144 men in a room. Q. Why are men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q. What do men think Rove vs. Wade is? A. Two ways to cross a river. Q. How do men sort their laundry? A. "dirty" and "Dirty but wearable. Q. How stupid are men about money? A. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it. Q. Why do men have holes in their penises: A. So they can get oxygen to their brains. Q. How is a man like a snowstorm? A. You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last. =========== Sexual Differences What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Forget about it. We just passed the tonsils." What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers? Mark Spitz and Greg swallows. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? Sticks it in Olive Oyl. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? They're right! We do taste like chicken! What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are YOU shaking for? She is going to eat me! What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches. What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasorass How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One... men will screw anything. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... theother is used to carry groceries. ================ Q:What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in. Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Q: Why do women have two sets of lips? A: So they can piss and moan at the same time. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A:Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A : Wiped his ass. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it. Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long ====================== WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. 2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. 3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. 4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 5. You can always warm coffee up. 6. Coffee comes with endless refills. 7. Coffee is cheaper. 8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. 9. Coffee never runs out. 10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. 11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents. 12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. 13. You can smoke while drinking coffee. 14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee. 15. Coffee smells and tastes good. 16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee. 17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel. 18. You can always get fresh coffee. 19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. 20. They sell coffee at police stations. 21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 22. Coffee goes down easier. 23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. 24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. 25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. 26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you. 27. Coffee smells good in the morning. 28. Coffee is good when it's cold too. 29. Coffee stains are easier to remove. 30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it. 31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. 32. Coffee doesn't shed. 33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. 34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. 35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground. 36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. 37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time. 38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. 39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat. 40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. 41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. 42. INSTANT COFFEE! 43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. 44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. 45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup. ================= A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into a discussion about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this -- when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your finger?" ================== Q . Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A. Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls ================ Mrs. Berger went to the doctor, who determined that she needed hormone treatments. He prescribed the treatment for her and asked her to return for a follow-up in 4 weeks. Four weeks later, Mrs. Berger returned to the office. The doctor asked her how she was feeling, to which she replied that she was fine, but was experiencing some unusual side effects, namely that she had started to grow chest hair. "Hmmmm, chest hair? That's very unusual," said the doctor. "How far down does it go Mrs. Berger?" he asked. "To my balls -- and that's another thing I wanted to discuss with you!" =================== Then there's the story about an 80yr old couple who went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child. He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain. Well said the old man I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand then with her left hand then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar. =================== Chemiebar? "Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch" 10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism 9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in 8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies 7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that'sme. My name is Steve" 6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it 5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter 4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray 3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head (vt) 2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet 1. Chicken a la Don King ================== "Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn" 10. He shows up with a pair of manicure scissors and a Ziploc 9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks 8. His nickname: the Unamower 7. On the side of his mower you notice stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats 6. Stops every 15 minutes to smoke some clippings 5. Using your riding mower, leads L.A.P.D. on a three-hour low-speed chase 4. He's always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head 3. He somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus 2. Every week he tries to match your lawn to Dennis Rodman's hair 1. No toes ==================== A deaf-mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his member on the counter, and plunks his money down next to it.. The pharmacist looks at him for a moment, then unzips his pants, and does the same as the deaf- mute. He then picks up both bills, stuffs them in his pocket, and zips back up. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet!" ============================= The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude but eventually his turn came up. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." ================================= A little girl approaches her mother and asks, "Mommy, how do you get babies?" "Well sweetheart," replies the mother, "the Daddy takes his penis and puts it into the Mommy's vagina." "Oh, okay," says the little girl. "But last night I walked by your bedroom and you had Daddy's penis in your mouth." "That's how you get jewelry," says the mother. =============================== A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?," she said, to which he responded, "I'm not really sure." "Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Extra-large condoms to checkout." A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left. A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked. "Sure, but size do you need?," she said, to which he said, "Well, I don't know." "Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout." The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left. Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl. "Yep," she said, "what size do you need?" "I don't know," he replied. She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout!" ======================================= Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic drink containers: 1) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 2) Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. 3) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in. 4) Warning:Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 5) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. 6) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 7) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers. 8) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember) 9) Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead. 10) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. 11) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 12) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you. 13) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. 14) Warning: Consumption ofalcohol may actually cause pregnancy ====================== Comprehending Engineers - Lesson One ********************************************** Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bicycle. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you." Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two ********************************************** To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three ************************************************ A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four *********************************************** There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1; Knowing where to put it: $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five ********************************************** What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six ********************************************* The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want french fries with your order?" Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven ************************************************* Normal people believe "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". Engineers believe "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet". Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Eight ************************************************ An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." The architect and the artist asked: "Both?" The engineer replied: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine **************************************** An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!" ==================================== George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing? "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it." George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?" ===================================== Nine Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler: 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Ofcourse it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there. 7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy 8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. I it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!! 9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over! ========================= Gender Equity ============= A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." ========================== ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT NOT SO ALERT To all Linux and *BSD users, a new virus has been detected that is specifically targeted at you. It is spread through email and needs only for the email to be *viewed* for the virus to be activated. It does require some user intervention for the full effects to occur, so the best prevention is an aware user. Accordingly, I have included the full text of the virus below. Dr. S. Euss (director - Linux/Unix Virii Grand Overview Database) -- virus begins here -------- !#/bin/sh # Honour virus # # Dear Linux/*BSD user, # As you have avoided the various virii inflicted upon your poor # Windows-using cousins, please take a moment to read this letter and # then follow the instructions below. # # In the spirit of cooperation of the free software community, this # virus was written to depend on your cooperation and good will - hence # the name "honour" virus. With your cooperation, this virus can spread # as rapidly as the lovebug virus, once again showing how the free # software community can respond to issues quicker than the largest # propriatary software maker. # # The virus starts here: # 1. Please delete, at random, 10 (ten) .jpg, .mpg, .mp3, or .mov files # from your hard drive. Please do not choose files for which you have a # backup, as that would be unfair to all the Windows users who *never* # backup their data. # 2. Please send this email to everybody you have ever received an email # from. We realise that you might have to write a short shell script to # do this easily, but we feel that, as a Linux or *BSD user, you are # most likely to be able to do this without relying on built-in insecure # scripting mechanisms. # 3. If you are reading this in your workplace, please shut down your # workplace's email system and internet access for 3 working days - # again this is just so we can empathise fully with Windows-using # companies. # 4. When asked if the writers of Linux or *BSD are to blame, claim that # the virus only spread because of intervention by the user's brain and # that the tight integration between your wetware and the OS is a good # thing that is misused by malicious virus writers. # 5. If you are Linux Torvalds, Alan Cox, or you have ever written any # free software, write an essay for Time magazine complaining that it # will be much harder to protect Linux users from virii such as this # unless Linux is sold to company and development continues only in a # closed-source environment. In particular, all user knowledge of the OS # must be erased if such virii are to be prevented in the future. # 6. As this virus is copylefted under the GPL, feel free to modify, # err, mutate, and distribute widely. # # Thank you. And remember, open source virii are far superior to # proprietary virii! # # Tuxunamis Infectious ======================================== Subject: FW: Penis Rights I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: * I do physical labour * I work at great depths * I work head first * I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays * I work in a damp environment * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation * I work in high temperatures * My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from the administration: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: * You do not work 8 hours straight * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods * You do not always follow the orders of the management team * You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks * You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift * You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits * You don't wait till pension age before retiring * You don't like working double shifts * You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work * And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. ========================================================== One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon... Demon: Why so glum chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey tequilla, Guinness wine coolers diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! Guy: Gee that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow...that's...awesome! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow. Demon: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!! Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh no. Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're gonna hate Fridays. ===================================== A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the white man and said: "You leave! No job!" The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making your dog, here, talk!" "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely anything to show my gratitude." "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash and take that damn dog for a walk!" Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, but there's just no way for us to know it. -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep. Q: Why do men marry women? A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." ================================================================= DEAR DIARY AUG 12 Moved to our new home in sunny Switzerland. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow on them. I love it here. OCT 14 Switzerland is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love Switzerland. DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here! DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shovelling. Fucking snow plow. DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shovelling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole! DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is? DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head. JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the road. MAY 10 Moved to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in God-forsaken Switzerland. ==========================0=======================0 MEN : HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN- Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her. WOMEN : HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN- Show up naked. Bring beer. ================================================= This one is a killer REMEMBER: this is a true story.... On the morning show at Capital FM in Nairobi, they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. On this particular day (12-9-98), it got very interesting: DJ: HEY! This is Phil Mathews on Capital FM. Do you know "Mate Match"? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What is your name? First only please. Contestant: Brian DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes. DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you are married? or what Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! I she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man. Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well. DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummmmm. DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Where did you guys do it? Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it.Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones ringing) Clerk: Kinko's. DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Phil Mathews with Capital FM 98.4. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now... Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"? Sara: No DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK? Sara: Oh, Brian DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, Sara. NBA Sara. They are on strike Sarah helloooooo anyone home?!?! Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last? Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe. DJ: hhmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it? Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?! Brian: Just tell him honey. If you tell the truth, we win the trip! DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...... DJ: SHE SAW?!?! Sara: BRIAN?!?! Brian: NO, no I didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. We're just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (long pause) DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida. =========== VIRUS WARNING!!!! There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words: "Sorry...I'm off to the pub". The "work" should automatically be deleted from your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your bin. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virushas already corrupted your life. ========== Some are racist, some are a bit harsh, but do read on and remember, they are only STEREOTYPES In a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: - 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman - 2 French men and 1 French woman - 2 German men and 1 German woman - 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman - 2 English men and 1 English woman - 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman - 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman - 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman - 2 American men and 1 American woman - 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: -One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. - The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. - The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. - The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. - The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. - The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. -The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. -The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. -The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. -The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. ======================= How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? "Dam!" What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. ================================== A very attractive young woman goes to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her ,the Dr. says "You are in excellent health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they are coming from" The young woman starts to blush and says" I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style. "Well that should be easy to take care of" the Dr. says "Surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!" "Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but the dog doesn't!" ================================== Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north, you hike south, then tonight we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wild flowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day? " The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp. "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head." ================================== Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic drink containers: 1) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 2) Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. 3) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in. 4) Warning:Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 5) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. 6) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 7) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers. 8) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember) 9) Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead. 10) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. 11) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 12) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you. 13) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. 14) Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy ----------------------------------- Are you a professional? The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are not that difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all four questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. ------------------------ A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" ----------------------- ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ------------------------- A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" --------------------------- A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. "You foul-mouthed swine,"retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady!", said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'. ------------------------------ 50 FUN THINGS FOR NON-CHRISTIANS TO DO IN CHURCH 1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell." 2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals". 3. Put stray dogs in coat closets. 4. Un-tune the piano. 5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven". 6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. 7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?" 8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts. 9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?" 10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. 11.Start a wave. 12.Do cool things with the lighting. 13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff". 14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant. 15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?" 16.Make up your own words to the songs. 17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly. 18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service. 19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!" 20.Dress all in black, or in camo. 21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service. 22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead. 23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus. 24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks. 25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in. 26.Inflate balloons, then send them off. 27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons. 28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. 29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face. 30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. 31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago." 32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them. 33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen. 34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is. 35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number. 36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them. 37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!" 38.Blow bubbles. 39.Fake a possession. 40.Distribute condoms. 41.Speak in tongues. 42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is. 43.Drool in the collection plate. 44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians. 45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed. 46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry". 47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside. 48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor. 49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!" 50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight. -------------------------------- An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!" ----------------------------- How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? "Dam!" What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag. Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK! What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it! What do you call skydiving lawyers? Skeet. What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop? An Amish drive-by shooting. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. ---------------------------- George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a bee-line for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants...you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites! ------------------------------- A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States." ------------------------------- A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the farmer walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" ------------------------------- Chili cook off Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge! 's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO! : Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the fucking 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) ----------------------------------- Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone" they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!" "Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. "How in the world did you do that ?" they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!" "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's and this one is Mr.Smith's." "Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!" --------------------------------------- A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!" ---------------------------------- 99 Ways To Be Annoying 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub." 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes." 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. ---------------------------------- In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a greatlength of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price ofthe female brains, because they've actually been used." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is clever and thought provoking!! An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. But, someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. Wait till you see the last one! Dormitory When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room Evangelist When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent Desperation When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots Slot Machines When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em Animosity When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity Mother-in-law When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the renunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. _--------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." ========================================================================== Future bumper stickers Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think UNPRESIDENTED! If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates Jews for Buchanan What Popular Vote? I voted - Didn't matter My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........ LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant? Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting. Now do you understand the importance of user-testing? To you I'm a drunk driver. To my friends, I'm presidential material. One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states) I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES The election can't be broken. We just fixed it. Banana Republicans The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years Campaign spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless. George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had ========================================================== Did you hear that the UK Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps. They had pictures of English rugby players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on. ---------------------- Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English rugby jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment. ---------------------- Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer English rugby fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable." ---------------------- Q. If you see an English rugby fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A. It could be your bicycle. Q. What do English rugby fans and sperm have in common? A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q. What do you have when 100 English rugby fans are buried up to their necks in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English rugby fan on the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an English rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? A. Shoot the English fan - twice. Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine? A. A jet engine eventually stops whining. Q. How many English rugby fans does it take to change a light bulb? A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and the coach to say that if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out. ================================================= An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm", muses the Englishman. "They must be English!" "Nonsense" says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!" "You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist. "They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are South Africans!" An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner: Subject: Perpetual Motion When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. ......and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients: I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and Butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat And butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/t Where p is the probability of carpet impact, and s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. t and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also Public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet. ============================================================== Please read all the way down - it gets better and better Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "SWEATSHOP" on to his shoes. Here's the response he got... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * From: "Personalize, NIKE ID" nikeID_personalize@nike.com